Just Shoot Me

The best way to express my reaction to the film "Wanted" is to heave one long, very hopeless sigh. But since that form of expression doesn't come across as well over the Internets, I'm forced to actually write a review that can verbalize what a massive fustercluck of ridculousness this movie was.
First, a quick reiteration of the fact that I am a comic book nerd. As such, I felt I should read the graphic novel "Wanted," by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones, in the week before the film adaptation came to theaters. Doing this meant I was suspending some level of enjoyment of the film, since I would know some of what was coming.
Luckily, the film is a complete bastardization of the graphic novel and in fact removes most of what made it such an intriguing read.
The novel tells the story of a meek, pathetic, cubicle-dwelling hypochondriac named Wesley Gibson who one day is told he is the son of the recently deceased Killer, an aptly titled master assassin and one of the thousands of supervillains who have secretly been running the world since the 1980s. Taking place outside of Marvel or DC continuity, the story is filled with analogs for famous villains and heroes. It takes place in our world, basically, imagining that after all the superheroes were eliminated or neutralized, reality was re-written by the villains so that the only way they are remembered are in the movies or, well, comic books. Wesley is told he has inherited his father's talent, and is to become the newest and most bad-ass villain in the world.
The film, on the other hand, does away with that eerie and original premise in favor of a much more boring, average and downright stupid plot.
We still have Wesley Gibson, played by James McAvoy, who spends the first half of the movie doing his best Edward Norton in "Fight Club" imitation until he is contacted by Angelina Jolie's lips, who tell him he is the son of a member of The Fraternity, a thousand-year-old club of uber-assassins led by Sloan (Morgan Freeman). Members of The Fraternity hang out in a warehouse and every once in a while kill a target for the greater good based upon the coded orders of an enormous "Loom of Fate."
Hoo boy.
The film is being called "Fight Club" meets "The Matrix" by some reviewers, and I can't tell if that's supposed to be a good thing or not. Either way, the story does draw greatly from both films, and without the superhero context, it seems like we've heard it all before. After all, the "Matrix" sequels did enough yammering about "fate" and "oracles" to last me for the rest of my life. "Wanted," the graphic novel, came across as a witty and disturbing parody of the whole superhero genre. "Wanted," the movie, comes across like a rip-off of completely different ideas.
Anyway, after Wesley is trained, he can't wait to get his hands on Cross, the man who Wesley has been told killed his father. Instead, Sloan insists Wesley learn to "curve a bullet," which no doubt you've heard said a hundred thousand times in the previews.
Just like my heaving sigh, there's no way to properly express just how much unnecessary and ridiculous (have I used that word before) CGI shots of bullets flying through the air there are in this film. Apparently slo-mo of a shiny piece of lead sailing fancily through the air was the only vision the moviemakers had in mind.
Once he can curve like a pro, Wesley finally gets to go after Cross, but when they meet and shoot each other's bullets out of the air for a while, Cross reveals a surprise the likes of which have never been seen before in movie history: "No, Luke - I mean Wesley - I am your father." Then he dies. Whoops.
Turns out Sloan has secretly been counterfeiting kill orders from the Loom of Fate (which I hate having to type) ever since his own name came up years ago, and Cross is trying to rectify this by taking out the corrupt assassins. Wesley escapes before Angelina Jolie's lips can kill him. He then captures a bunch of rats, rigs them to explode, and unleashes them upon the Fraternity's warehouse.
Yeah, you read that right. Did I mention this film is ridiculous? But at this point, it turned into a good kind of ridiculous, like the last half-hour of Nicolas Cage's "The WIcker Man" or the last "Rambo" film. Overly violent, explosion-packed, bullet-curvin' fun, all leading up to a dramatic final speech by Morgan Freeman, ending with the lines he was destined to read: "Kill this mother fucker." L-O-friggin' L.
Again, Wesley escapes, though, and then finishes the movie with one more assassination, which climaxes with another marvelous Morgan Freeman line which is so good, I won't even reveal it here.
So-bad-it's-good territory doesn't come along every day. When it does, it's to be appreciated. But understand - it usually can't salvage a train wreck as bad as "Wanted," and it doesn't in this case, either.
The message of this film, which is about as subtle as a headshot, is that if you're as spineless as Wesley used to be, you're wasting your life and should get out and do something. Whether or not you pick up a rifle and start shooting people is up to you. But I'll tell you one thing - I sure would've liked to have a gun when I walked out of the theater.

Grade: D